When I tick the carer box on just about every form I fill out these days I still feel like it’s not a real thing. 20+ years of primary care for two ASD children, plus an ex who is definitely on the spectrum but I still feel like I would be judged to be more useful by the world if I was mucking out cow yards or selling realestate. I know I would probably be less tired loading manure everyday than I am from just keeping a household functioning and appointments kept.

I also thought that there was a pretty good chance I would also have been caring for my father at some point, and now that that isn’t going to happen, and also that there is small chance one or both of the kids will be able to function in the world without as much help as in the past, I am starting to dread my freedom.

If you have spent your whole life caring for people you get very used to putting yourself second, or third, or etc etc. but it also helps you justify why you’re not doing anything for yourself. Now I am starting to feel like I have done nothing with my life, and I have no idea how to deal with that. I don’t want to volunteer as I have done my time and I don’t think I can give up any more of myself than I already have. I also don’t have any thing I feel like I can enjoy anymore. I have had depression so long that it feels normal to not be able to experience joy or peace anymore.

At the moment I am trying to convince myself that the peacefulness of the farm will help, and that removing the renovation and running two houses stress will solve all my problems, it won’t but I need something to keep me going. At the moment I really need that as I have a pile of medical shenanigans going on, children in need of unwavering support, and a grab bag of guilt randomly thrown in for good measure.

I am throwing the on breaks, dropping anchors etc until the end of next week. Depending on what tests show, how assessments go, and how the wind blows it will be either a bad month, or a terrible one.

Good and easy doesn’t seem to be an option at the moment.