I’ve been feeling increasingly out of sorts all day. The objectionable sharp tongued me that I don’t like and rarely surfaces these days has been let out today, and I didn’t know why. I’m tired and stressed and that’s pretty much homeostasis for me at the moment. And then it hit me… my social media feeds have had dozens of posts wishing Billy Connelly a happy 80th birthday.

My father and I had a shared appreciation for Billy as long as I can remember. As I child I remember his records being played and being allowed to stay up late and watch TV when he was appearing on Parkinson or some British talk show. It was also a running joke that my bearded, ponytail wearing father bore more than a passing resemblance to the Big Yin, to the point where I used a picture of Billy from the Boon Dock Saints as the incoming call picture on my phone for when he called.

So seeing a face constantly today that reminds me so much of not just my father, but also of times spent together has really made today a surprisingly hard one. I know there will be a lot of triggers over the first year, birthdays, Christmas etc. but it’s the ones I don’t expect that really make me aware of how much I’m avoiding dealing with his death.

So I’ll be sad tonight, and then I’ll be deliberately busy tomorrow to distract myself, and fingers crossed nothing sneaks up on me for a little while.