I’m trying to be all tinsel and baubles this year, because I feel like all the ghosts arrived at the same time to tag team me.

Do any children of divorce enjoy Christmas? Competitive gift giving, one year here one year there, 12 days of pressure. Every Christmas from 8-18 was incrementally worse, and it didn’t occur to me why until years later.

Recently I’ve flipped between trying to Christmas traditionally, and not celebrating it at all. I’m flopping back to trying again this year, maybe it’s the almost adult kids, maybe it’s the loss of my father, maybe it’s the trauma. Whatever the reason for this particular season, I’m trying to provide a few happy memories if possible, but definitely less drama for my own kids.

Maybe it’s the ghost of Christmas yet to come that’s really weighing on me. There’s nothing like the loss of a parent to say “your next!”. I don’t know how many of these chances I have left, so I’m trying. I even ordered an online Christmas feast delivery in a box, which is the modern equivalent of opening a window and telling a street urchin to get you a turkey.