I am, and then I’m not. Every time I go to farm I’m convinced I’m getting better, and it’s no too bad this time… then a few hours later I’m a drained mess trying to avoid closing my eyes because of the flashbacks. Maybe I stood in the wrong room too long? Maybe it’s the knowing that I’m going to be keeping the farm for a few years now has removed the comforting thought of running away. Because I do like to runaway from a problem when I get the opportunity. Maybe I’m worried about failing, or just the sheer enormity of the job. I’m pretty sure I wish I was in a position not to have to maximize the income from the farm, but I’m not and I will not get the opportunity to set myself up like this is again. Sometimes you only get one bite at the cherry.

So I will push on. Hopefully my health improves, or at least doesn’t get worse… mind and body. The body part is at least under the care of a doctor or two, and with a bit of luck all these tests that are doing a wonderful job of ruling things out, might actually identify something they can try and fix. On the mind front I’ll keep pushing through, I’m sure at some point I’ll stop being upset by random stuff, and just be set off by stuff that actually makes sense to be triggered by. Today while I was out at the farm going over plans to pull out all the electrical work, I found my fathers old fox hunting whistle.

Suddenly I’m flooded with not only memories of my father, but of his brothers, my grandfather, and my childhood. Family wood collecting trips, the adults hunting foxes, my cousins and I making fires and cooking damper. Memories of the tacked out fox pelts in the sheds, that smell will never leave me. I’m not a hunter, I don’t like guns… but this fox whistle will hang on the hook near my bed, next to the chain that has my stepmothers wedding ring that my father wore after her death from cancer at the age of 49. He never got over it, and he never recovered from the trauma of those last few months of her life. So I know at some point I need to see someone, but I’m not up to it yet.