I’m not the man I used to be, and I don’t have any science to prove it. One year ago I caught covid, and it knocked me on my butt. It took me months to shake the fatigue, brain fog parts, which might be why it took so long to notice the other changes.

I’ve got absolutely zero evidence to back up my assertion that I’m not processing things as quickly as I did a year ago, after all I’m getting older and that happens. All I can do is speak of my lived experience, and I don’t feel like my brain is running at the same speed anymore, I mean it seems to get to the same solutions it just takes longer.

What has come as a bit of shock is the, for want of a better word “personality“ changes, because those are observable by others who know me well. My mind seemed to just reevaluate many things I found important or interesting… and in many cases found them wanting. I simultaneously became more patient with somethings and had no time for others. Its was a weird few months of recovery and flux, and then my father died, and I had no idea what was covid and what was trauma, and no idea what would happen when they mixed themselves up into a cocktail.

I’m not going to pretend I’ve got this figured out. However I do have a fairly strong belief that the covid got in and moved some stuff around that doesn’t appear to be returning to its original state. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing, but I’m avoiding another dose with everything I can, just incase it moves it around more, or worse back.

I was listening to a book about depression and PTSD when the author said “it can’t be considered clinical unless it persists everyday for two…” and my head filled in YEARS instantly, turns out it was weeks. I hate it when that stuff happens, because my black sense of humor finds it hilarious and wants to make it into a bit. A bit that very few people find funny.

My dad always found it funny, and he had proper PTSD with bells on. I probably do to, I’ve definitely soldiered through the 90day window without getting any help and really set up some bad triggers for myself. My amygdala is basically a hand grenade at this point just waiting for someone to accidentally pull the pin.

I know it’s completely possible to be both better and worse at the same time, and while the brain skittles I got from covid actually slowed down the destructive bits of my brain and made me calmer and less tolerant of manipulative behaviors, the grief and shock has made me an anxious mess.

I’m sure there is some solution out there, but at the moment I wouldn’t just mind two good nights sleep in a row.