It’s been a hard day, which is why I’ve been in super distract myself mode. In the past I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t joke/spend/eat etc my way through. But I seem to have lost that ability, my dark humour that used to get me through things isn’t really working anymore, in fact I’ve lost the taste for it. I suspect I couldn’t spend enough to distract myself, and I’ve lost the taste for that anyway. I could probably still comfort eat myself to death in a few glutinous years, but it doesn’t bring that much comfort, and the accompanying intestinal discomfort is no longer bearable.

I was thinking today that I have a 3-4 hour hole in my week now without my fathers “coffee and chat” visits. Obviously it’s not just a time hole, it’s a person shaped hole. The loss of the one person I could talk to about things without fear of judgement, without any need for editing, is not something that’s getting better with time.

I miss having someone to talk to that wanted nothing from me, and I’m to jaded and damaged to seek that out… and way too skeptical to believe in it.

So as the Passenger song says “we have holes in our hearts, but we carry on”.