I was really making some progress three years ago. I was just out of short and poorly thought out relationship, I was on a serious organization kick, and I was on a self managed therapy program.

Two years ago I was still grieving the loss of my father, desperately trying to come to terms with changes to family, and struggling to keep my health from failing completely.

One year ago my health was as low as it was when I ended up in hospital for months, my mental health had taken a backseat to absolutely everything else, and my only relationships were surface level and fleeting, or baggage laden.

And now?

I’m still grieving, I am on yet another round of hard to pronounce medications that will hopefully help, I am still struggling to put my own needs in front of even the smallest of other peoples needs. I haven’t even attempted anything resembling self care in months, all my helpful therapy books are collecting dust and it’s only valium that has kept me from drinking again.

I should add here that’s it’s not all doom and gloom and not just because I am as incapable of feeling despair as I am of feeling joy at the moment. However I can see the positive stuff like renovation progress, children becoming who they are meant to be, and the cat definitely seems fairly chonky and content.

I’m also fairly confident that I won’t be completely broke when the cabin is done enough to move into. If the new meds work I may even be able to get enough done to move before the credit cards hit the limit, which would be great since apparently I already have the maximum amount of credit available that’s possible.

I have a shipping container delivery tomorrow, if it doesn’t rain, which is the next step in getting out in front of costs. Paying for storage was justifiable when I was making money from selling restored furniture, but all my available energy has been farm related for years and probably will be for another year. Shipping containers will pay for themselves in a year, maybe less if I can sell some items as I swap from rented storage to my own. There are a bunch of other things that need attention soon but I am trying to concentrate on the one step at a time mantra.

Someone reminded me that it will all be worth it when I am on the veranda with a cup of coffee…