I’ve hit the wall, again…and I am struggling to push past it this time. I’m exhausted not just from the work but also from the keeping a smile on my face at the same time. Well maybe not a smile, more of a blank stare and an idiot grin. I can’t even tell if it’s physically or mentally drained that’s the problem? It’s both but I am not sure of the ratio.

Relationships are suffering, even the cat is a bit moody. I don’t blame him as I promised hime picture windows and birds to look at, and he hasn’t gotten what he signed up for when I adopted/catnapped him. I am starting to think covid isolation fundamentally broke something in me. My only regular adult human contact during that time was basically my father, and just as life started to settle down he died and my ability to interact like a regular human died with him.

Honestly if it wasn’t for the internet I would be mainly talking to the cat, and he is largely limited to purring, meowing, and occasionally biting my ankles as I walk past. All very endearing but mentally stimulating it’s not. Maybe getting more cats would help? It might but let’s call that plan B.

I could really use a tick or two in the win column at the moment. A small lotto win, maybe? Unlikely as I don’t play. Meeting a like minded person to do things with? Also unlikely as I leave the house to go to the farm and that’s about it, and while it’s picturesque as all get out there, it’s not vibrant social scene, and dating outside your species is frowned upon out there (these days).

I keep telling myself if I can just hold it all together for a bit longer it will be fine. I will stumble ass-backwards into a solution to everything and it will all be fine. I am aware this is not a healthy method of dealing with the situation, but spiraling into depression and inaction ain’t great either.

All this because my plan for the day to visit an art gallery with the younger child was derailed, and because the cat staring at a brick wall instead of trees made me sad. The crushing weight of world gone mad comes in second to a disappointed offspring and a dramatic cat…