Fat Bunny

  • Checking the Bathwater for Babies…

    I’m pumping the breaks on selling the farm straight away. Six months is time to calm down and think, there is also every possibility that the paperwork is still months away. Which would pretty much be mid autumn, heading into winter, which is the exact opposite of when the farm looks the best. Also I have decided that I’m making decisions without all the information I could get. I’m not psychic… but I’m getting the vibe that backing off and letting things work themselves out a bit might be good for me in the long run. Because while I’m fairly realistic about regrets, now that I have acknowledged I’m acting emotionally and without some helpful information, I actually need to stop and think.

    The new plan is to slowly work on the farm 1-2 days a week. Restore the house to something pleasant and livable. Finish the cleanup of the rest of the property, cutting in paths through the woods, restoring the gardens and stone outbuildings. While collecting information on all the options for the property. I need to know what it’s subdivision possibilities and costs are, it’s potential zoning issues or benefits. The potential to maximize some of the potential that is tied up in the leased parts of the land. And that was all stuff I was running away from when my father died.

    I’m ready to be a bit less impulsive now.

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  • So This is Christmas…

    Just checking in to let you know I did okay today. Possibly because I tried to be pretty damn gentle on myself, and mostly succeeded. It helped that the kids gifts went over well, the food was plentiful, and expectations were if not low they were at least realistic. The company of my ex-wife also helped, although I suspect she was being overly kind to me so I didn’t do any awkward griefing. We watched the kids open the gifts and their briefly happy faces, and it was nice to share that after more divorced parents 50/50 Christmases than I like to think about. I know it’s a rough time of the year for many, and I’m feeling pretty lucky that it was kind of good. May you walk away from day in one piece x

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  • All About Eve…

    I’m having a slow day today. A bit of a house tidy up, and a good forensic scrub of the kitchen in preparation for Christmas meal preparation. It’s been a few years since I attempted a traditional Christmas, even pre pandemic I wasn’t great at it. So this year I’m taking a small run at it, tidy house, minimal decorations, one of those meal boxes that has all the ingredients and recipes all set out for you, the gifts are all wrapped and adjacent to a tiny tree.

    Pre-Christmas Kitchen Scrub…

    The guest list is a little sparse, me, the kids, and the ex-wife dropping in and out during the day. The X is spending part of the day around the corner at her mothers house with her relatives, and the rest of the day hiding from them at my house. You could probably write a study on that, and why I’m happy to have my X here all day, but absolutely dreading a 10 min visit from my mother.

    Table for 3

    It’s now 6pm, and 30 degrees, the air conditioning is on for the first time this summer. The kids are in the kitchen doing preparations for tomorrow, beetroot dips and stuffing balls among other tasty things. I’m into hour 4 of a rock Christmas playlist on Spotify, and the last load of clothes is in the washing machine.

    Open Source Fire…

    I’m currently streaming a fire on the Television, which is pretty much the only way to have a fire for an Australian Christmas, and I sort of convinced that even the fake fire is making the house too hot. I think I have done all I really need to do today, I don’t care if the house is not perfect this year. The kitchen is clean enough to cook in, and all the other rooms are tidy enough that I wouldn’t be worried about someone seeing them.

    So I’m going to sit down with a drink, and toast to better days… the days that were better , and for some that hopefully will be again.

    Cheers.

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  • Maybe…

    As I clear out the farm I’m going back and forth on what to do with it, or more specifically when. Do I sell up and buy something more suitable like an city apartment? Do I hang onto it as it is for a while and gamble that the village becomes a super fashionable hangout for rich wankers? Do I sink a couple of years into doing up into an eco cabin retreat and then sell?

    It would be nice if I could see a clear path, both metaphorically and physically. Am I keen to get rid of it quickly because of memories and the amount of work? I do have a fear that if I don’t get rid of it as soon as I can I will still be there in 10 years time with a whipper snipper permanently grafted to my arm.

    Maybe ten years ago I had the energy to make something special out of it. Maybe if my health is suddenly improved by next year. Maybe if the kids weren’t such city mice… maybe… maybe… maybe.

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  • Sigh…

    A few days before Christmas and my doctor has pulled me off half my medication to see if the treatment is causing other problems. So despite all my rage I am still just a rat having weird symptoms.

    Lab Tests and Cat Scans…

    Now I’m just killing a few hours till I can either get a cat scan today, or if I have to wait till after Christmas. I’m really trying to not freak out… but I’m totally freaking out.

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  • Visits…

    My father used to visit at least once a week. He would call about an hour beforehand and I would rush about cleaning the house before he arrived. It was a great system, no motivation required on my part.

    There are no more visits now, and I forget that about three times a week as I make coffee for one, as I see something that he would have found interesting, when I just need to talk to someone who knows me and doesn’t judge.

    I like to kid myself that I’m okay with my own company, but I suspect I’m just very good at distracting myself. Quiet moments of reflection tend to send me into a bit of a depression. It’s probably why formal psychologist settings just feels like running razors through my feelings every visit, and 50mins every few weeks never gives things a chance to heal, or receive enough treatment to heal anything.

    I hate people saying things to me like “it’s the first Christmas” or “birthdays are hard” no shit Sherlock, that’s up there with “some people have it worse”. It doesn’t help, and I’m still mad about the whole situation, so people trying to help are walking in a hell of a minefield, because I was a prickly son of bitch before they added grief, trauma, and some poorly medicated depression into the mix. I’m both grateful for peoples attempts to help, and completely incapable of accepting that help.

    I miss my dad, he was genuinely my best friend, and it sucks that he is gone.

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  • Might Just Lie Down (again)…

    Anyone else starting to feel a bit worn out by things? No? Just me then. Maybe I took the whole last couple of years to personally, that whole pandemic, crap health, poor choices, dying relatives thing has slightly dampened my enthusiasm for life, and the impending Christmas shenanigans in less than a week aren’t helping. So like the protagonist in an overly dramatic romantic novel I’ve taken to my bed.

    Current View.

    I’m currently dreading the need to go and get groceries, because unmasked crowds are making me equally anxious for my health, and rage filled at peoples selfish choices. so I’m going to leave it a couple of hours till things calm down, both in the shopping center and my digestive tract.

    Waiting for Sunset.

    I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, to follow up on the last lot of tests, so I might see if I can take a couple of weeks off current medication to see if I am sick from the cure or the disease. Because I’m a bit over it at the moment, and it would be nice to feel vaguely human for a bit.

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  • LEGO CASTLE MEMORIES…

    My favorite Lego set is the 1978 classic castle 375, or maybe it’s my most nostalgia ridden set? I purchased this set on sale from Myers in the Sydney CBD when I was staying with my Aunt in Fairfield.

    My Uncle Nick took me shopping so I could spend my country mouse money in the big city. I bought this set, a lego technics Buggy, a technics motor, and a plastic dinosaur model kit of a triceratops. It was a once a year splurge that accompanied my yearly Sydney holidays, and I can remember so many of those weeks more clearly than most things that ever happened during the rest of the year in the country.

    I remember sitting on the floor in the front room, after locking the door to prevent being interrupted by my Aunts small army of Pomeranians, and building for hours. Lost in my own bright yellow medieval castle. I of course used the technics motor and gear kit to automate the drawbridge, because I was that kind of child.

    It’s was very relaxing to just take some time to build the castle again. No music, no distractions, just a pile of bricks and an instruction manual that only confused me a couple of times, and a few adjustments because the stickers where already applied so those pieces needed to go in a different order.

    I remembered at the end that the other knights are in a box with the jousting set, and that’s in the top of a cupboard I haven’t gotten to yet, so I’m going to have to wait till I have time to do a full Lego sort to get the whole kingdom organized, but this was a pleasant way to spend an hour. I can see scheduling a bit more time to do this kind of thing next year, it’s been far more effective at quietening my mind than meditating has been recently.

    Time lapse of Lego Castle 375 Build.
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  • Clean Room Chronicles Pt 3…

    I’m starting to think I could have given the whole house an acceptable tidy up in the time its taken to do one room. Actually I’m sure. But I’ve woken up to wardrobe doors I’m not scared to open.

    I also slept better than i have in a while, possibly due to the reduction in clutter, and possibly due to the three dyson loads of dust I removed from every surface in the room.

    The desk is not perfect, but it’s dust free and clear enough to work on, and for now that’s good enough.

    I’m working on the “good enough” thing, because I know that getting things to 90% right is pretty much the only achievable goal for most people, and 100% right but only 5% done is not a great way to live.

    So it’s not perfect but it’s not stressing me out, and that’s a win.

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  • Clean Room Chronicles Pt 2…

    At 9am this morning my room was almost 95% done, as long as you didn’t look in the closets of course. Luckily I’m single and no but me ever opens my closets, so as long I keep the doors closed it’s fine.

    An hour later…

    Total carnage that in no way helps any visible parts of the house, in fact it’s made a mess elsewhere. And I could quite easily put it all back in a slightly more organized manner and maybe stall running out of space for a little longer, or I can actually get rid of some stuff.

    I’m going to do both, even though it’s only been about 6 months since my last purge, it’s definitely time for another round. I’m telling myself even if I only get rid of 10% each time it will all add up. I’m going to bite the bullet and get rid of the empty tech boxes, I like to tell myself I can use them when I decide to get rid of the items they belong to, but that happens so rarely, and ads very little to the price that it’s just a waste of useful storage in a house without much.

    I suspect there is going to be a Part 3 later tonight, and probably a Part 4 tomorrow as I’m going down a cleaning rabbit hole. In the meantime enjoy the clean side of the room with sun and fresh breezes.

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